Your dating relationship will not last. That’s a given. It is distasteful. If only it weren’t true, that would make it somewhat palatable. That isn’t going to happen. Settle on that.
Let me ease your mind concerning this fact. A date isn’t meant to last forever, or is it? It is a stage meant to lead to something else, but since you don’t know what, I’ll tell you -‘marriage’. That’s what! So take it easy on me. Cut me some slack. My statement isn’t that badly off.
You had a hunch though, and you were right. I also urge you to keep a momentary dating expectation rather than a long-term one. Gawk at this; most of these dates do not last. Up to 98% of them never culminate in marriage and if they do, they end up in divorce at an unbelievably high rate. This is as sad, yet an eye-opener, so you better open them wide. Gouge them out if they won’t see. Usijaribu!!! (Swahili for “Do not try that!”)
It will end. It will not last. It is not going to last forever. Maybe a 2%-maybe and a 98% not gonna.
You might nod in agreement while synchronously your heart screeches to a halt wondering whether your relationship is among the 2% or the rest of the many. Probability places you among the 98%. Getting panicky?
You better be concerned, it affects you squarely. This bears on your future, it will get in the way of your purpose in life, and it will complicate things and distract you from your passion and destiny.
I know, I know, right now you think that your relationship is different. That I am wrong about it. I am just jealous. I come from a failed experience. You’re right for each other. You’re the exception. You are perfect for each other. I do not know how great it is. You can just feel it. You have so much in common. You like the same things, movies, songs, etc. You finish each other’s sentences. It hurts when you are not together. Big ups! But that has nothing to do with it. Did you get that? All that has nothing to do with it not lasting.
Just hear me out. I know it isn’t delectable, most of all, much harder to accept. You may reject this right here and choose not to proceed further. But that would help if you could change the fact that it is true. I may believe that I don’t have to go to work with my clothes on but that doesn’t make it right. Or I could choose to ignore that the sky is blue, but that does not make me right. So it is, believing that your relationship is different doesn’t make it so.
This is not intended to toss a grenade on what you have going for you with your boyfriend or girlfriend. But you’ve got to accept the fact that it will not last. Only then can you truly enjoy dating. Otherwise, it’ll tear you apart piece by piece. Crush by crush, one date after another.
Maybe you are one of those romantics who have subscribed to Hollywood’s version of Romeo-and-Juliet-teen-love-at-first-sight (played by actors who are on their third or fourth marriages, by the way) let’s see how it goes. It is amazing how this type of relationship begins!
Let’s do the numbers: Out of 100 married people asked, 22 said that they married their high school crush. This isn’t even 50%. You can reduce your expectations by half already if you’re in this category. Sorry if it appears harsh. These are facts. We ain’t done! You might say this isn’t such a bad statistic as it leaves you with a 22% chance of success which you cannot say of other areas of life.
Moving on; out of those 22 people, 17 got divorced. Ouch! So, 5 out of 100 people between the ages of 18 and 89 are still married to their high school sweethearts. Yow! Reading from this, you and your crush have two ready options; one, get married. Two, break up. That’s all. Just the two. The percentages speak for themselves. Still doubting? Try this.
On average, people get married at 25 years of age. So take 25 and subtract your age. We’ll call your answer ‘years left’. (see the formula below). That is how many years you have left -on average- before you get married. Now, write how many crushes you have had in the last 12 months. Got it? Take the number of crushes and multiply it by your ‘years left.’ The number you get is the number of crushes you will have before you get married. (I actually laughed so clamorously at this point that I attracted attention I didn’t want. Why? I just did my math and boy how disquieting this is.)
Some of you may think -at this moment- that they’d like to show me how wrong I am and that’s okay, it is expected. Though before you rush into doing so, do not call me 2, 5, 10, or 15 years after this. Wait until you have been married for 35 years and then find me and be as showy as you can be. The issue isn’t getting married, anyone can do that. It’s staying married that’s significant.
Here is why accepting that this may not last is crucial:
1. Holding on to the hope that your relationship will last and that you will defy all the odds sounds nice but then you end up giving away too much and wasting your dating years. You end up so zoned on trying to make it work –because according to you, it must last- that you miss out on the best parts of the experience of dating. You set yourself up for failure from the beginning.
Do you remember the four truths we spoke about in our introduction? See here.
2. Accepting that the relationship will not last does not cheapen it or make it less important. In reality, it makes the relationship more valuable. You know that you only have it for a short period, so it becomes more important to you. You want to savor it more. Enjoy the moment. You appreciate it more. You learn from it and protect it. To remain alive. If you truly understand that the relationship has an end, then the sweet little stuff will become more important and the giant ugly things -like how he didn’t get you that new phone- will become no biggies.
Would you rather waste your time freaking out about everything or enjoy the time you have? You know it won’t last forever, so yeah, you want to enjoy it while you can.
3. Finally, when you accept the truth, the pressure comes off. The pressure is released. A lot of lives are destroyed because of the pressure to make a dating relationship work. If you believe that the relationship is meant to be, then you will do stupid things to keep it going. That’s where couples can really mess up big time. You can get into a cycle that you just can’t seem to get out of. Oh, how debilitating it gets. You might get into sex to make the other person happy. Or so you will think. You might try manipulation, violence, or using each other. You worry that your friends won’t understand or won’t like you if you break up. Or worse yet, your parents might get upset if you break up with “the perfect person (according to them).” That’s just not cool. Not in the slightest. Don’t let others force you into a relationship that isn’t right. Live for you first.
NB: Do not get your family deeply involved in your relationships. Read that again! Do it one more time! Never forget that! That right there is a lifesaver.
Sure, you need to let them know who your friends are and who you are dating, you gotta. Simply don’t allow your dating life to get too tight with your family life. Making them part of the ‘fam’ is way too much pressure. Ask those who have.
What’s worse is that it can make you get stuck in a relationship you want to get out of because you not only have to break up with your crush, but you have to break up with the entire family. It’s just too much pressure. It is not healthy. That is a recipe for an emotional tsunami.
Learning that it will not last protects you from a lot of pain, hurt, disappointments, and frustrations. Yeah, the end my come this week or eight months from now. It doesn’t matter. Since you are aware that this is the eventuality, you will have no pressure on you to try and please the other person by doing foolish things hoping to keep the relationship afloat. If your boyfriend wants sex to keep the relationship alive, you can decline. No problem. You are not trying to keep him (as if it would even work).
You have total control and can let it end this evening if that is what it takes to keep your peace and values intact. You already know it will not last, so why would you ever give in to the pressure? You are in complete command.
Summarily, let us consider the spiritual side of dating: The Lord knows that if we get so caught up in chasing, catching, and hanging onto a crush (especially when it’s not working), then we stop growing. We stop seeing His power. His mystery. His love. His desires. The Great Romancer wants to romance you. He wants to show you the sunsets and give you the falling stars. He wants to give you your dreams, your desires, and your destiny. He wants you to run with passion after Him. He wants to shape you. But that won’t be possible if your crush has got all your focus.
Dating is supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be safe. But we invest way too much in trying to make it work out. If we just let go and understand that it’s a short-term thing, then we get the most out of it.
We learn about ourselves and about others. We experience a crazy fun part of our lives without getting destroyed in the process. We end up stronger, happier, and more successful. We understand what makes us tick. What we like and what we don’t like. We find that desire that God has placed in us and we don’t get chained to a dying relationship.
This is beautiful. It makes an amazing couple. It makes a wonderful, happy, contented soul that in turn spills joy and happiness through other kinds of relationships (at work, home, or school).
Remember, this is about dating and not about marriage.
Read the next article in this series: Dating: Like Investing, How Much You Put In Determines How Much It’ll Hurt When It Ends – Pt. 2
Reach out to me.
Pingback: Dating